Are you tired of all those namby-pamby, girly, sissy, completely wet "friendship" poems, that never come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:
This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why you may ask?
Because you are my friend.
Send this to 10 of your closest friends; then get depressed because you can
only think of two, and one of them isn't speaking to you right now anyway.
Remember:
A good friend will help you move.
A really good friend will help you move a body.
Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel...
David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the Kitchen department of a large department store.
"What's that?" he asks.
"A Thermos flask" replies the assistant.
"What does it do?" asks Becks.
The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next training session.
"Here, boys, look at this" Beckham says proudly. "It's a Thermos flask."
The lads are impressed. "What does it do?" they ask.
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold" says David.
"And what have you got in it?" ask the lads.
"Two cups of coffee and a Choc ice" replies David.
Posh takes her car into a garage to have some dents removed. The mechanic, knowing she isn't the brightest Spice Girl in the world, decides to play a joke on her.
"You don't need me to take those dents out" he says. "Just blow up the exhaust pipe and the metal will pop back into place".
So she takes the car home and tries it.
David spots her from the house and shouts
"You silly cow! You have to wind the windows up first!"
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman "I'll leave the key under
the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail
you a cheque.
Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just
as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!".
To which the parrot replied "Get him, Spike!".
Some people are like Slinkies...
Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
Yes, as suspected the end of the Empire Strikes Back is to be rewritten to
fit in with the new trilogy.
The new ending is as follows:
INT: BESPIN GANTRY - MOMENTS LATER:
(A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE
SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off
Luke's hand. It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs
away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight
down)
Darth Vader : Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke : He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Darth Vader : No, Luke... I am your father!
Luke : No! It's not true! It's impossible.
Darth Vader : Search your feelings... you know it to be true...
Luke : NO!
Darth Vader : Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?
Luke : Threepio?
Darth Vader : Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was only 7 years old...
Luke : No...
Darth Vader : Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself, no lightsaber, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp...
Luke : I destroyed your precious Death Star!
Darth Vader : When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!
Luke : Well, it's not my fault...
Darth Vader : Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith...waahhh wahhh!"
Luke : Shut up...
Darth Vader : You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi Knights!
Luke : I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!
Darth Vader : Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer..??? Moi, baby!! And by your age I'd gotten my girlfriend pregnant... older woman too, and ex- queen. And you?? You want to do your sister?? You're one sicko kid!
(Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it)
Darth Vader : I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine...
(Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft... Darth Vader looks after him)
Darth Vader : And get a haircut..!!!
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.
When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know" so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides this is a great idea" so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them" BUT ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.
After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!"
Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!"
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years.
First guy asks the second guy "how have things been going?"
The second guy (speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y..) tells the first guy
"I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r.. i..e..d."
The first guy says in amazement "Hey! You don't stutter any more."
"Y..e..s I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r..a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."
The first friend congratulates him on not stuttering anymore and asks why he is no longer
engaged to his girlfriend.
"W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d, s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e.."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that" asks the first friend.
"W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y" t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s s..c..r..o..t..u..m"
The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary said" "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the
animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said "That was good" but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Sally raised her hand. She said "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and
saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said "Good" but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny
was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Johnny Seibert said "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits
are so big she can only fasten eight."
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She
gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he
arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to
hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to
him" she says" running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm
afraid I can't" breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues, slyly
popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him" she
whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer's
given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the
doctor with an empty jar.
"What happened?" says the doctor.
"Well" the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her
right hand, then her left -- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first
with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called
Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing."
The doctor bursts out "You asked your neighbor?"
"Yep, no matter what we tried we couldn't get that damn jar open."
A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo
man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car
and the Navajo man climbs in.
During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown
bag on the front seat between them.
"If you're wondering what's in the bag" offers the salesman "it's a bottle
of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says "Good
trade."
Clem drove his pickup alongside the road and showed his buddy Jed where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that there tree. I remember it plain as day. It was a warm summer day... We we' madly in love... We made our way down to
that the tree and made love for hours" explained Clem.
"That sounds amazing!" exclaimed Jed.
"Yep, it was goin' real well, 'til I looked up and saw her Momma standing righ' there watching us..."
"Damn, what did her Momma say when she saw you puttin' it to her daughter?"
"Baaaaa..."
A mate of mine, who's dyslexic, died the other day.
He choked on his own Vimto®.
Give 'em an inch;
They'll take a foot.
Then you haven't got a leg to stand on!
The good doctor took eleven years to finish his book.
Yes, I'm a slow reader meself.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet for the necessary payment, then he walks up to the bar
and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to
an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires, with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"Yep, I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the
hand-jobs?"
"Yes" she purrs, "I am..."
Replies the man: "Well, then, wash your hands because I want a cheese
sandwich!"
