War of the Worlds

Do you think you could make a decent sci-fi Summer blockbuster? Here is a quick quiz to test your movie-making skills.

What is wrong with the following plan for making a blockbuster movie?
Step 1: Take one classic sci fi story.
Step 2: Add every single disaster movie cliché you can think of.
Step 3: Make all your characters completely two-dimensional.
Step 4: Add one incredibly cheesy ending.

Did you spot the flaw? Yes. That's right: steps 2, 3 and 4 should have been left out. Sorry there aren't any prizes for getting the right answer. Partly because I just told you it and partly because it was obvious but unfortunately it wasn't obvious enough for Steven Speilberg. This does seem to be the recipe he used to make "War of the Worlds".

The film is centred on a small dysfunctional family. Ray Ferrier (Tom Cruise) is looking after his two kids Rachel (Dakota Fanning) and Robbie (Justin Chatwin). Rachel is the compulsory immortally annoying brat character. All Hollywood disaster movies have to feature this character by law. Robbie is a troubled rebellious teenager who has issues with his largely absent father. Ray starts off as a lousy irresponsible dad who knows nothing about his children. When the aliens start slaughtering people his first instinct is to try to dump the kids on his ex-wife as fast as possible. A very sad story but don't worry because I can assure you that as the plot progresses they all bond and Ray learns some valuable lessons about responsibility and being there for his kids. It is a shame that billions of people have to die and civilization has to be brought to its knees in order for him to learn that he should pay some attention to the obnoxious brats he has inflicted on the world but I feel great for him and his family. It really does make it all seem worthwhile.

Seriously though I hate it when filmmakers do that. They have some kind of terrible tragedy going on but they just use it as a backdrop for some irrelevant cheesy story. Usually something to do with characters working out what’s really important to them or something similar. At least War of the Worlds is fictional, the descendants of the victims of the sinking of the Titanic should sue or possibly even put a contract out on James Cameron but I digress.

The three main characters really are that thinly drawn and the movie is almost exclusively focused on them. The blandness of the human characters would have been almost forgivable if the aliens had been more impressive. After all an invasion movie stands or falls on the scariness of its invaders. Their initial appearance is actually quite effective. The alien tripod erupts from beneath the street and starts vaporizing the crowd of gawking bystanders. Unfortunately for the first half of the film you are left thinking that that is all they do. Big metal tripod things that run around turning people into dust are all very well but you can't expect them to carry a whole film. Especially when the humans aren't pulling their weight. If you keep watching it does turn out that the aliens also suck out peoples' blood but by that point you will probably have lost all interest.

The aliens do eventually get out of their machines and make a personal appearance. Without wanting to ruin the surprise they basically look like rejects from Independence Day. We catch a glimpse of them for the first time during a particularly ridiculous sequence. Our heroes are hiding in a farmhouse basement and the aliens are playing hide and seek with them. Every now and then a tripod's metal tentacle comes into the basement and tries to find them but they evade it by sneaking around. At one point they confuse it by using a mirror. Yes that's right the aliens not only don't have say motion detectors or heat sensors but they also don't understand mirrors.

Having made serious films like "Schindler's List" and "Saving Private Ryan" Speilberg obviously feels that he has to throw in some political issues. If you end up watching this film maybe you could relieve the boredom by playing spot the 9/11 references. There are quite a few. Just to get you started watch out for the crashed plane, the missing people posters, Rachel screaming about terrorists and lots more. A drinking game would probably be tasteless but then so is using a genuine tragedy to lend your third rate action movie some gravitas.

HG Wells' original story did have a political subtext about the immorality of European colonialism especially our gunboat diplomacy. A diplomatic strategy that basically involved saying "hey poor country do as we say or we are going to blow you up." Wells' nineteenth century message is arguably one that twenty first century America needs to hear. Other critics might argue that Speilberg is trying to get it across but I think that his political message is simply that terrorism is bad. Well yes obviously but I think we've all worked that out for ourselves thanks.

For large swathes of the film our heroes are part of a huge crowd of refugees fleeing the alien invasion. These scenes should be powerful but they lack any real emotional impact. Most of the time the refugees look vaguely fed up rather than terrified. It looks like a major gig has been canceled at the last minute and the transport has been mucked up and it has just been raining. Very annoying but not in the required literal sense the end of the world. They never for one second look like the panicked masses fleeing the ruins of civilization. Maybe the extras should have been given more direction or possibly paid more.

There have been lots of other bad summer blockbusters and sadly baring a real alien invasion or something similar there will be more in the future. What really makes "War of the Worlds" stand out is it's ending. It has the worst ending in the history of cinema. I'm not talking about the way the aliens are defeated. In fact I might give Speilberg a brownie point for following Wells' on that one. Having said that an idea that provided a nice final twist a hundred years ago does seem less satisfying in an age when everyone has their jabs before going on holiday. But it is the final scene of this movie that will make you want to vaporize yourself with a Martian death ray. OK Wells did something similar but it would have been kinder to drop it and they've managed to make it so much worse. The soppy conclusion is the low point of a movie that plumbs the depths of cinematic quality.

This film wouldn't be quite so annoying if it wasn't using the "War of the Worlds" name. HG Wells' classic sci fi novella is probably the most influential science fiction story ever written. He invented the whole idea of an alien invasion. Every single movie you've ever seen that involves aliens attacking the Earth owes its existence to HG Wells' original story. Everything from "Plan 9 from Outer Space" to "Earth Vs The Flying Saucers" to "Independence Day" to "Signs" to "Mars Attacks" can be traced back to Wells. If you also take into account all the TV shows and computer games and books that involve alien invasions then you have to admit that Wells' story has had a huge impact on our culture.

Understandably lots of people have released interpretations of War of the Worlds. To be fair a lot of them have shared Speilberg's willingness to dispense with most of the original story but they have created some imaginative work. The 1950s film version is a cult classic as is its TV spin off. Jeff Wayne's inspired concept album is definitely worth a listen. Orson Welles radio version has passed into broadcasting legend. It actually managed to convince hundreds of people that Martians really were attacking America. Entire cities were left deserted as Americans fled to the hills convinced that the Martian death machines really were just behind them.

If Speilberg wanted to make a boring alien invasion movie then he should have at least had the decency not to drag the good name of "War of the Worlds" through the mud. The aliens aren't even from Mars. I realize that we now know Mars is uninhabited but does nobody have any respect for tradition any more? It is painful to watch a classic tale being turned into a by the numbers disaster movie. This film takes one of the greatest science fiction stories ever written and drains it of all life just like a Martian draining it's victim's blood leaving only a lifeless corpse.